19 years of grace upon grace

Nineteen years ago tomorrow, a broken scared teenager accepted Jesus into her
heart. He captivated me. He turned my life completely around. I was so excited
to know the one whose peace stilled every storm that was raging in my heart and
mind.  I wanted all my friends to know Him, too. I became a leader in our youth
group. Speaking some, singing on the praise team(I'm not sure who thought that
was a good idea) but I did love to worship. It's my favorite part of a church
service.

I was a girl in love with her savior. At 15, I gave my testimony on
youth night and invited friends from school. Twenty four teens ended up coming
from my school and almost all of them ended the night at the alter. My spirit
was soaring. I knew this is what it was all about. Showing others there is
Freedom in Him.

When I was 16, our youth took over the Sunday morning service.
Me and my friend, Jennifer spoke that morning to the congregation. I remember
speaking about being a Christian and it's not something you turn on and turn
off, like a switch, picking and choosing when to walk in christianity. We are to
leave the light on to illuminate darkness daily, in every moment.
However,sooo many times as an adult I have been off and on, inconsistent to that little
fired up 16 year old girl who wanted to save the world by telling everyone about
Jesus. Light on. Light off. Light on.

I had dreams and countless words spoken over me that I would be a preacher, an author, a prayer warrior, an encourager to many, among some other specific words. However, some where a long the way, I let my light dim. On a little, but not completely off.  My child-like faith, my innocence, my thirst for more was gone.

Now, here I am in my thirties, I am well aware of the personal
demons I'm fighting. I know there is more, I know that I'm still called, I know
I have purpose but I sit....and let my mind tell me lies.

Ever since the birth of Juliana, I have been fighting insecurities that I never thought would be an
issue. Also, dealing with everything that happened to Brian---All around the
same time. The enemy is smart. Take them down while I can is his attitude.

 I was a social butterfly my whole life, now I can't wait to get out of a room full
of people, or avoid it all together. Me- the person who could spark a
conversation with anyone and everyone is trying to dodge anyone and everyone.

I knew a part of my personal ministry was instilling into girls and women
their worth and value. The day I gave my life to him, I knew He desired more for
me, and I knew not to settle. So, I wanted other women to know that, as well.

Now, I'm struggling with all the things I used to speak and encourage other
people's hearts about. I don't feel like myself. I look and wonder where is
Shana?!  I see her sometimes.

Trust me when I say- I'm well aware that this is
the attack of the enemy. He knows he has to try and keep me down, like I said,
he is smart. He knows what I'm capable of because of who I belong to. The worst
part is knowing and still letting him win some fights. Some days, I tell him to
get thee behind me, and to go to hell where he belongs. That's a good day. Then
some days, I just don't want to fight. I want to be timid, I want to hide in my
comfort zone, I don't want to be stretched, I don't want to muster up the energy
to fight my anxiousness. Scared to say yes. That's a bad day.

Honestly,  Who have I missed along the way while I was having a bad day? I have a
responsibility as a child of God and I'm not fully living up to it.n

So, as I go into my 19th year, I pray I'm more intentional and I make a decision daily to
fight and place my heel on the enemy's head and allow myself to have the
opportunity to be everything I am supposed to be.

I know me writing this is going to cause some extra craziness come my way, but I can't stay in this place anymore.  I have to flip that switch. I have allowed the enemy to think he is
winning one too many times. I already know he is defeated so I need to
act like it.

One of my favorite songs used to be "If you could use anything
Lord, you can use me." There's a hurting world out there and here I am getting swallowed up from lies that I know aren't even true.
Thank you, Lord for saving a wretch like me. Thank you
for anchoring me in your love.