19 years of grace upon grace

Nineteen years ago tomorrow, a broken scared teenager accepted Jesus into her
heart. He captivated me. He turned my life completely around. I was so excited
to know the one whose peace stilled every storm that was raging in my heart and
mind.  I wanted all my friends to know Him, too. I became a leader in our youth
group. Speaking some, singing on the praise team(I'm not sure who thought that
was a good idea) but I did love to worship. It's my favorite part of a church
service.

I was a girl in love with her savior. At 15, I gave my testimony on
youth night and invited friends from school. Twenty four teens ended up coming
from my school and almost all of them ended the night at the alter. My spirit
was soaring. I knew this is what it was all about. Showing others there is
Freedom in Him.

When I was 16, our youth took over the Sunday morning service.
Me and my friend, Jennifer spoke that morning to the congregation. I remember
speaking about being a Christian and it's not something you turn on and turn
off, like a switch, picking and choosing when to walk in christianity. We are to
leave the light on to illuminate darkness daily, in every moment.
However,sooo many times as an adult I have been off and on, inconsistent to that little
fired up 16 year old girl who wanted to save the world by telling everyone about
Jesus. Light on. Light off. Light on.

I had dreams and countless words spoken over me that I would be a preacher, an author, a prayer warrior, an encourager to many, among some other specific words. However, some where a long the way, I let my light dim. On a little, but not completely off.  My child-like faith, my innocence, my thirst for more was gone.

Now, here I am in my thirties, I am well aware of the personal
demons I'm fighting. I know there is more, I know that I'm still called, I know
I have purpose but I sit....and let my mind tell me lies.

Ever since the birth of Juliana, I have been fighting insecurities that I never thought would be an
issue. Also, dealing with everything that happened to Brian---All around the
same time. The enemy is smart. Take them down while I can is his attitude.

 I was a social butterfly my whole life, now I can't wait to get out of a room full
of people, or avoid it all together. Me- the person who could spark a
conversation with anyone and everyone is trying to dodge anyone and everyone.

I knew a part of my personal ministry was instilling into girls and women
their worth and value. The day I gave my life to him, I knew He desired more for
me, and I knew not to settle. So, I wanted other women to know that, as well.

Now, I'm struggling with all the things I used to speak and encourage other
people's hearts about. I don't feel like myself. I look and wonder where is
Shana?!  I see her sometimes.

Trust me when I say- I'm well aware that this is
the attack of the enemy. He knows he has to try and keep me down, like I said,
he is smart. He knows what I'm capable of because of who I belong to. The worst
part is knowing and still letting him win some fights. Some days, I tell him to
get thee behind me, and to go to hell where he belongs. That's a good day. Then
some days, I just don't want to fight. I want to be timid, I want to hide in my
comfort zone, I don't want to be stretched, I don't want to muster up the energy
to fight my anxiousness. Scared to say yes. That's a bad day.

Honestly,  Who have I missed along the way while I was having a bad day? I have a
responsibility as a child of God and I'm not fully living up to it.n

So, as I go into my 19th year, I pray I'm more intentional and I make a decision daily to
fight and place my heel on the enemy's head and allow myself to have the
opportunity to be everything I am supposed to be.

I know me writing this is going to cause some extra craziness come my way, but I can't stay in this place anymore.  I have to flip that switch. I have allowed the enemy to think he is
winning one too many times. I already know he is defeated so I need to
act like it.

One of my favorite songs used to be "If you could use anything
Lord, you can use me." There's a hurting world out there and here I am getting swallowed up from lies that I know aren't even true.
Thank you, Lord for saving a wretch like me. Thank you
for anchoring me in your love.

Little Sombreros Mexican Restaurant

I forgot to blog about the Mexican restaurant- Little Sombreros- the first graders put together for the parents at the school. It was the cutest thing. Weeks before they had to apply for the position they wanted. They did an incredible job. They really ran the whole show. The teachers just were there to oversee them. They had a hostess and someone working the register taking the customers money. They even had comment cards. The kids were running around taking orders, bringing the food and drinks. They were working so hard. I even seen some break a sweat. It was too cute, and they also performed for us afterwards.

Manager

They called us Senor and Senoritas while waiting on us

hard workers

My ticket

the chefs busy at work preparing the food

Taking a picture with our cute little server!

Thank you first graders for such a great experience!

Long Over Due..... Jayce birthday

My little man turned 7 this year. It still seems like it was just a short time ago, I was holding my baby in my arms. Now, he is in first grade doing science projects. Aghhh! I'm so proud of him. He's everything you would want in a little boy and more. (please God, let him stay that way ;) ) He wanted to go to Busch Gardens this year instead of having a party. So, Jayce and Jadyn "skipped" school, and we took off for the day. We stopped for a second to sit on a bench so they could eat their icy. He looked over at us and said, "This is the best birthday ever being here with my family".  I mean seriously someone grab me a box of tissues!! Honestly, I think after each birthday he tells me 'this was the best birthday ever.' He's sweet like that but this year it was extra special because it was nothing but us four spending quality time together. Afterwards, we dropped them off at Nanny and O's because we had a Christmas party to go to for Brian's work. When we walked into Nanny and O's house- Jayce was surprised to see Aunt Deb, Uncle Charlie, Uncle Joe, Aunt Jen, Nanny, O, and Addy jumping up and saying "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!" They had a few presents and cake waiting on him!  He had a wonderful birthday, and we had an amazing time celebrating him!

Waiting for him to wake up!

Birthday hugs

still sleepy

Yummy daddy pancakes on the special day plate!

This is Jayce first time ever having anything to do with a Santa

He was the Best Santa ever!  He stood up and had everyone near sing Happy Birthday to Jayce!

Brian and I had as much fun in this thing as the kids (maybe more)

The babies are small enough to fit thru the wood. It was cute to just see them walking around on the sidewalk. Its funny though because you can almost see that the big ones are trying their best to squeeze thru too!

Getting hugs from Uncle Charlie

Jayce looking up to his O

Happy 7th Birthday!!

Silly String!

*tomorrow- my also long over due Christmas recap.... ayiyiyi!!

My Jayce just keeps getting bigger n bigger!!

 Every year I write a letter to my kids on their birthday and little notes throughout the year. I really need to add a tab on this blog to store them as well. I'm always worried some thing is going to happen to their baby books, and every little thing I have written them would be gone. When their older I want them to have a little piece of them from when they were younger. This blog is for them. It's nice to share things with your friends and family, but what makes this meaningful to me is they will get a peek at their childhood through pictures and words that I've written.
 Tonight we all sat on the bed, and I got out Jayce's book. I told him now that he is older I can read him some of the stuff I have written through the years. He sat right beside me, and more times than one he squeezed and hugged my arm. I could tell my words meant some thing to him. I love that little boy!

 Jayce,

I can't believe I'm about to say Happy 7th Birthday!! As we sat together on the bed, and flooded ourselves with your precious memories-sooo much as happened in the past 7 years!! I'm so grateful that your baby book has all things you were doing at 4-7-9+ months old. I forgot some of the cute little things you used do when you were a baby until reading it tonight. Then of course it hit me like it was yesterday! I don't want to ever forget all the special moments, and little things you and your sister do!

Like the other day, when you wrote me a letter at school on your free time to just tell me that you love me. I love that! I appreciate you thinking of me. Or the times that you and sis are supposed to be laying down, and we can hear you laughing and enjoying each other. It's so cute that we don't even want to walk in, and tell you guys to stop and go to bed.  We love hearing you play so sweetly together. I am so honored to be your mom. Jayce, you are extraordinary! You have taught me so much about myself and life. You are a little teacher, and don't even know it! I do want you to stop being so hard on yourself though. Listen, if you are doing your very best, than that is all that matters. Perfection isn't needed, or expected of you. Just be the best you. Don't be afraid to try new things. We can't be perfect at everything. If you fail, try again! If it's not for you, move on! It's that simple. Don't ever let fear stop you from going after some thing. Usually in that fear, hides greatness! I love you. I believe in you, and I'm so proud of you! I had so much fun hanging out with you today at Busch Gardens. You said, it was your best birthday ever! That made us smile. You have made me smile from the moment you came into this world. I'll tell ya you have melted my heart on so many occasions. Jayce, my life is so unbelievably blessed because of you! I really am so honored that God chose me to be your mommy. How lucky am I? I'll tell you.... I am the luckiest person in the world! You are my sunshine- now and always!!

Christmas Lane- A Christmas Tradition

I love Christmas Lane- the lights, glitter, sparkles, and seeing all the kids run around makes it feel like Christmas. This year we went with Uncle Jonathan and Aunt Crystal. It was fun. It was also cold, so the lattes and hot cocoa were especially nice and needed! They have a train that the kids love to ride every year. This year was probably Jayce's last time to ride it. He is getting so tall! The kids had fun, and they were so happy to spend time with their Uncle and Aunt!

making a wish

waiting for the train

This a face of too much cotton candy and hot cocoa!

hurry up- they're heavy!

Merry Christmas!

Pretty trees

Lil' mama complaining about her legs (aka whining because she didn't want to go!)

My camera died, at least it lasted long enough for me to get a few pics!!

It's almost Christmas!!